Let’s be honest. You’ve heard the  chatter—wind  power  this, solar  panels  that,  the  “climate change is real” rant from your more “environmentally  aware”  friends. But today, take a moment to sit back, relax, and give thanks to the true father of modern civilization: fossil fuels. Because if it weren’t for them, we’d probably still be getting around on horseback or whatever it is those hippies think is sustainable.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the beauty of fossil fuels. They’re the nice, clean, dependable energy source. Wind power, on the other hand? It’s like a group project where you really hope someone else does all the work while you sit there in a vaguely ecofriendly mood. And solar? Please. The only thing solar panels power is the guilt trip from your friend, who invites you to their solar-powered, net-zero house where they make their own kombucha.

Look, windmills are great if you’re living in a fairy tale where the wind never stops and you don’t need your energy to be reliable. But we’re not in a fairy tale, which means we need energy that we can trust. Cue fossil fuels: they’re there whenever you you need them. Like when your WiFi goes down in the middle of a very important  TikTok  scroll  session. Don’t believe me? Try charging your phone using wind power when it’s calm outside. Suddenly, that cute little windmill becomes a very expensive, ugly sculpture.

And that’s not even considering the truest luxury fossil fuels have brought us: air conditioning. Without fossil  fuels,  your  office  would probably have “open windows” and “fresh air” and frankly, no one needs that in a productivity- driven society. Fossil fuels are the trusty corner store that never closes. Do solar panels work 24/7? Uh, nope.

If  you’re  serious  about  the future, you know that fossil fuels are the only thing keeping us moving forward. Solar panels are for people too lazy to work once the sun goes down,  and  wind  turbines  are simply too slow to keep up with real life.

Brought to you by Chevron: because we’re here for a good time, not a long time.